Mothers

I think about my Mother a lot.  I loved her.
 I found this quote today:  "This must be what it feels like to be a mother, to have someone love you unconditionally because they need you and respect you and hold you up as a role model."
I loved my Mother unconditionally, I trusted her, I respected her feelings even when I did not agree with them.  I needed and wanted her to love me.  She did.
I have to wonder how my own children love me.  Do they love me unconditionally?  I know they don't need me anymore, they are both lovely grown ups living their lives as they choose to live.  Do they respect me?  I am not sure.  Am I a role model for them.  No.
My relationship with my children are not exactly what I expected it to be at this phase of my life.  I wanted them to be strong, independent children, with lives of their own.  They are that.
But I did not want to feel like they give me their attention and time because they have to.   I want them to want to do that out of love for me.  It is not happening.  I sometimes have such grieving feelings of having lost something special, and a feeling of loneliness when I really just want to talk to them or visit with them, hug them, love them and can't.  I miss the times when they were small and I could scoop them up into my arms and just hug and kiss them and love them.  Now, I feel like if I try to love them, they reject it, like they are too independent and strong to let Mom do that.  Well, in many ways, I am a success as a Mother.  In many ways, I am a loser.